Summer Dramalama

More rellies came over yesterday. Dad's brother and his wife. Had a nice dinner. Spent the afternoon with the ever lovely and amazing crawfooty and her oh-so-perfectly-cute little boy.

After dinner, the phone rings. It's mum. She's talking to me like there is nothing to be wrong, that this is NOT a problem. I'm fuming and thisclose to crying, again. She carries on a bit, asking about various things and asks if she will see us on the Sunday when she gets in. I say I don't know, possibly. I *want* her to meet G. I want to see her. I also want to punish her and make her feel as butthurt as I do right now...but I can't make her feel butthurt without hurting my father and my husband...two men who do not deserve this.

After I hang up with her, I hear Dad and his SIL talking about WHY my mother is still in BC. Apparently, Jana can not handle the 2, 4 and 6 am feedings AND nap during the day, so my mother is the one taking care of the baby AND my sister's husband is not there this weekend. Excuse me??? When is she going to learn to take care of this thing by herself?? Then again, when has my sister EVER learned to do anything by herself?? She's NEVER been alone, lived alone, dealt with life alone...so why start now!!

I came downstairs and just bawled. My chest hurt I cried so much. This is not how this was meant to go. All my planning...shot...or so it feels. I am so hurt I can't be hurt, I am just mad.

G comes down eventually and says that K and T want us upstairs for pictures. Riiiight. Me and my red, crying eyes. I try to make it look good but in that time, G's told them I am not feeling well and that maybe some other time. Dad comes down and asks me what's wrong and I light into him, telling him I am sick and tired of this, that I have never been this hurt, insulted, disappointed and generally sad over anything in my life. Dad defends her, as he would. He asks G if he is insulted. G says he wants to meet mum and he is a bit confused, but so long as she shows up, it's all good. Dad says to me that it appears G is not insulted. I remind him that I never said G was insulted, *I* was insulted.

I explain to Dad how it seems that it's always up to ME to understand when things change or go wrong, how I am meant to understand what is important to everyone else but when *I* explain how *I* am hurt/sad/dissappointed, well, fuck it. It's brushed aside because as long as *I* understand, it's ok. How much shit am I expected to swallow with a spoon and still keep smiling??

Then, in a lovely chain of events, Dad asks me if I will see my birthmother. WTF ON A CRACKER??? Fuck no!! Jeebus crickey!! He asks why and I briefly explain the events of many xmases ago and how it's just not a part of my life. He asks me if I am ok with being adopted, if I feel *different* because of it or if it bothers me and if I am happy with my family. Again...WTF ON A CRACKER??? Happy? Usually, yes. Glad I was adopted? FUCK YEAH! Bothered by birthmum's apparent insanity? Nope.

This is followed by dad asking me if I am jealous of my sister. Oh how I KNEW this was coming... No. Am I jealous that she has a baby? Nope. Am I jealous of the fact that her life has changed forever and she will never have free time again? Nope. I am perhaps a little jealous that she seems to be able to command any attention she wants and GET IT without anyone calling her selfish whereas when I point out how unfair things are, I am selfish. But this has NOTHING to do with this kid. NOTHING. Dad asks me why I do not want kids. I remind him I see 1100 of the little buggers daily and I do not wish to have one in my home. G points out to Dad at this time that HE is very opposed to kids and that this is something WE have agreed on.

I remind Dad as well that it is NOT like this kid came 3-4 days ago. It's been almost a MONTH, FFS! This trip, we've been planning for over 2 years. I've not been home for 3 years. Oh, but, Tanya, your mother looks at your pics lots, talks to you lots (wrong!) and emails often (wrong again!) so it's not like you are GONE gone, but merely slightly less accessible. *sigh* Not out of mind, just out of sight.

Dad and G wash their hands of it, with G telling Dad he is not hurt by this. Well, thanks, that just negates all my feelings, doesn't it??

Explain to me why I am NOT allowed to feel hurt by all this, why it seems OK to once again, dismiss me and my feelings and once again, have everyone else have everything THEIR way which makes them happy and I am miserable. This has been a theme all year, hasn't it? Sure, I am not the one who *needs* my parents perhaps as much as my sis does and the like, but FFS, this is not the normal visit, is it?? Things have changed a little. Dad asked me what I would be doing with mum if she were here. I DON'T KNOW, but I would feel better about then leaving to bugger off to Regina/S'Toon later this week and NOT having enough time to catch up with her. But I guess, as I said to Dad last night, that does not matter. He asked me how I felt about her not being here and I flat out said "like it doesn't matter to her at all" to which he tried to defend her. Geez...I wish my husband defended me half as much as my father tried to defend my mother. My feelings? Pointless, it seems. Thanks again.

She arrives tomorrow and will be expecting me to greet her openly and happily and all I want to do is punch her in the face.

Joke

A Woman, A Bus And A Baby ~

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver looks at the baby and says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Totally insulted the woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down fuming. She says to the man sitting next to her, "That driver is SO rude! He just insulted me!"

The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead! Here ... I'll hold your pet monkey for you."