Invisible and Childfree

This summer, my husband and I went home to my parent’s place. It was the first time he would meet them and the first time I had been home in 3 years. We’d been planning this holiday for a long time. He was very thrilled to be going to Canada and I was anxious for him to meet my family and friends, as well as seeing them myself.

My mother is one of those mothers who only wanted to be a grandmother. My husband and I are blessedly childfree, one of the many things that brought us together. My sister thankfully gave my mother her first grandbaby this year. However, timing could not have been worse, really. Baby arrived 3 weeks before we arrived. My mother informed me that she would NOT be present at our home when we arrived in town and that she was really unsure of when she would be back.

I was gutted. I had been planning this trip for so long and my husband was looking forward to meeting my family. We did not plan to sit around and wait for my mother to come home, as we had friends we wanted to see as well. I made it known to my mother that this arrangement, such as it was, was unacceptable to me, that she needed to sort it out and to be home when we arrived.

It did not happen. It feel completely on deaf ears because of the new baby and we are 2 self-sufficient adults. To this day, my mother and I are at odds because she can not understand why this hurt me as much as it did and why I can not accept that babies come first. How could she have been expected to leave my sister alone with an almost month old baby when her husband was out of town? Erm, right. Ok. Because a new mother has NEVER BEEN LEFT ALONE?!

4 months after leaving my parent’s home, I am still upset and angered by all of this. My wishes, being the childfree adult were ignored, tossed aside because of my sister and her newborn. Even now, in trying to sort out other various issue with my mother via email, she does not have the time to devote to speaking with me because she is busy doting on her new grandbaby.

I am being ignored, my wishes being ignored because my mother is grandbaby crazy and I am childfree. There is no category in her mind for myself and my husband as we’re not toeing the line and doing what is the done thing.

Do I feel invisible? Of course I do. I feel more invisible in the last 4 months since returning to my home as my mother has made sure to tell all my relatives how horrible I am because I can not fathom how important a baby is. Of course I get it. I’m not a monster. Why does she not understand how important it is for me to have my needs and wants recognized and met in the same fashion as those of the breeders in my family.

I realize this is a fairly personal rant about the selfishness I endured this summer and will continue to endure in my family. I will remain invisible as well for a long while if I refuse to cow tow to my mother and accept all the blame.

I am doing something that she does not understand or can accept, so if she does not see it, it does not exist. If I told her we were sterile, well, that different. Making a conscious choice? Why would you do that? I feel that my husband and I are not being counted as family as we are only 2 people. It’s not ‘T’s family’ she talks about, it’s ‘T and her husband’.

When it comes to family activities, I know that us being the couple will not play into any advanced planning. Why, of course we can drop our plans at a moments notice as we do not have children! It’s not like we have jobs that require notice of holiday leave or plans with friends to change. No, that would not play into family activities. You have no children, therefore, you are required to be the most flexible people around. If we do venture back to the land of maple syrup and hockey, I know that whatever plans we have will be pushed aside to make way for those of the childed ones. Never mind that we would have traveled over 36 hours and 3-4 planes to get there. We’re childfree and therefore, do not count.

My feelings of being invisible have magnified since my summer at ‘home’, as have my feelings that ‘home’ is no longer where my parents reside, but firmly and safely ensconced with my fabulous childfree husband and our big rambling house filled with the 2 of us.